


Sad

by noblydonedonnanoble



Series: The Road We Never Drove On [16]
Category: Doctor Who RPF
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-28
Updated: 2012-09-02
Packaged: 2017-11-13 01:30:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/497926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noblydonedonnanoble/pseuds/noblydonedonnanoble





	1. Chapter 1

                It’s when you feel certain that you’ve exhausted every possible “What if?” scenario that you start dreaming about her.

                Sometimes you contemplate the fact that for a woman who used to rarely cross your mind, it’s astonishing how completely she’s taken you over. And frankly, it terrifies you.

                You’ve begun to forget what the true nature of your relationship ever was. Compared to the moments you’ve pictured—compared to the kisses you’ve mentally shared, compared to the imagined sex and fights and “I love you”s—the concept that you maintained a plain and simple friendship seems entirely implausible. At the same time, however, you‘re painfully aware that nothing ever really happened.

                The longer you think about it, the more you wonder _why_.

                 And now she’s claimed not only your waking thoughts, but your dreams as well. Filling your head with all-too-vivid images, some of which put the two of you in very compromising positions.

                Which you don’t particularly mind.

                You should mind. You’ve got a wife. With your wife, you’ve got a darling daughter who literally means the world to you. Fantasizing about another woman should certainly be a red flag of some sort.

                Especially this woman.

                If you were simply a bystander of this situation, you would be able to appreciate the bitter irony. Because it’s ironic that after having to insist for so long that you had an entirely platonic relationship, you started questioning.

                As it is, you are not simply a bystander. So instead of being amused, the irony of the situation just makes you particularly angry.

                You’re fairly certain that the dreams would be easier if you just saw yourself shagging her. People have dreams sometimes about shagging other people they’re not in a relationship with. One or two dreams about that would not be entirely out of the ordinary.

                But some mornings you wake up and realize that you’d been dreaming about eating breakfast with her, or watching the telly, or simply lying in bed and holding her as she falls asleep. And you find yourself wanting that. Then you look over at Georgia and you cringe because Jesus Christ, you have a happy life as it is and you don’t need to wish for a life with anyone else.

                Why on earth should that thought stop you, though?

                It can’t possibly banish all the images.

                There have been some occasions when you’ve woken up and been filled with an immense urge to call her up and apologize, because in your dreams you had some intense row. And you can’t help but feel, for those first few waking minutes, that it was real, that you’re just an arse who was wrong all along and that you need to apologize.

                But really, that’s not the worst.

                What’s worse is the fact that in so many of these dreams, you disregard anything standing in your way, purely so that you can have her. In some of them, Georgia is still your fiancée, you still have Olive, but that doesn’t deter you. Sometimes you’re _married_ already, and that does nothing to stop you either.

                Your dream self is a horrible person.

                Frankly, your waking self is a horrible person too. Because deep down, you envy your dream self. You envy how happy she makes you in your dreams, so that you wake up grinning and your face falls when you realize that you’re in bed with your wife.

                Very few things, at that point, could make the situation any worse.

                Apparently, telling Catherine is one of those things.


	2. Chapter 2

**To: Catherine**

                _This is something that has been weighing me down now for quite some time. I think most people in my life would judge me for it if I told them. Everybody, in fact. Except, if I’m lucky, you. Surely, though, you realize how serious I am solely because I’m not bringing it up over the phone or face-to-face._

_I’ve been having these dreams. I know, I know, we’ve had countless conversations about how you’re silly for reading into dreams and how I don’t put much stock into them. Just like horoscopes (which, by the way, are still absolutely absurd)._

_But there comes a point where one can’t help but wonder if perhaps, even if they don’t mean_ everything _—do dreams mean_ something _?_

_Does it mean anything that I’ve had countless dreams about a woman who is not my wife? Not just shagging her, either, and don’t act like that’s such a surprise. No. I dream about… everything, really. A real domestic life with her. That is, when I’m not running about behind Georgia’s back. Because that’s a common theme; so often, I’m engaged to Georgia or married to Georgia, but I’m in love with this other woman._

_So tell me, Catherine. Do you think these dreams mean something?_

_I think they do. Frankly, in this situation I think my dreams_ do _mean everything._

 

**To: David**

_Of course I’m not judging you. You’re my best mate; why on earth would I judge you?_

_I’m tempted to say that you shouldn’t think anything of it, that it’s harmless. Because from the way that you’re talking about it, it sounds like this is a nameless woman you don’t actually know. I suppose it would be different if it were a woman who’s actually in your life? Perhaps. I’m not certain, I’d need more context to make a more educated statement._

_Mind you, this is not me asking for context if you’re hesitant to give it. Because if this is about a woman you know, and you were willing to tell me so, I assume you would have mentioned that._

_And I’m not surprised that you don’t just sleep with this woman in your dreams. I know that even you aren’t quite that shallow._

_Just kidding, David._

 

**To: Catherine**

                _What if I were to tell you that these dreams_ are _about a woman I actually know? The same woman, every single time._

_Sometimes I wake up and it’s hard to believe that the dreams weren’t real, you know? I feel like I’m supposed to meet her when we’ve supposedly made plans, or call her and apologize when I’m certain we had a row._

_And I feel such overwhelming love for her and I’ve reached a point where I don’t know if it’s real or left over from my dreams._

_Does it still sound harmless?_

 

**To: David**

                _Ah. Not quite so harmless anymore, no._

_Before the dreams started, how did you feel about her? Because there is the possibility that it’s simply held over from your dreams and nothing more._

 

**To: Catherine**

                _I hardly remember. I cared about her, certainly. I’ve always cared about her._

_Now, though, I don’t understand how I could have looked at her and not at least wondered about what life with her would be like._

_What if I would have been happier, Catherine? What if I was so distracted by everything bright and shiny and new that I missed what was right in front of me?_

 

**To: David**

                _I think you’ve answered your own question, dear._

 

**To: Catherine**

                _I suppose I have._

 

**To: David**

                _You still haven’t told me who she is. Will I never get to find out?_

 

**To: Catherine**

                _Have you not guessed? I’m talking about you._

 

**To: Catherine**

                _Catherine?_

 

**To: Catherine**

                _Fuck. Say something, please. Anything. Jesus Christ. You asked. And you’re my best mate, so if you asked I figured I should probably tell you. Right? Better than lying, right?_

_Catherine, please._

_Don’t leave me like this._

 

**To: Catherine**

                _I’ve told you that I love you and you’re just going to let me sit forever waiting for a response._

_I can’t decide if this is too cruel, or entirely too humane for what I deserve._

 

**To: Catherine**

                _Christ, Catherine, I’m sorry. I know that this was entirely inappropriate of me, on so many levels. Because I’m married and because you’re my best mate and maybe instead of being honest, I should have just lied. You would still be talking to me if I’d lied, so perhaps that would have been for the best._

_I just want you to talk to me. I need you to talk to me._

_You don’t seem to realize how much I depend on you. How much I need you in my life._

_There’s no one like you. No one lives up to the standard that you have set. Without you… I don’t know what I would do._

_Please._

**To: Catherine**

                _Okay. If you’re not willing to respond to me, I’m going to at least ask you to think about one thing for me. Would you do that? Please?_

_Did you ever consider it? Did you ever wonder?_

_Probably not. Because you’re too sensible to even consider me._

_But on the slight chance that maybe you would have lowered your standards enough to have me… What if?_


	3. Chapter 3

                With each passing day, you become more and more certain that Catherine intends to never speak to you again. Which, you tell yourself, you deserve. Because the more you think about it, the more you realize that saying anything to her was just really fucking stupid. Because if she ever had feelings for you, she’s probably angry because you’re bringing it up _now_ when you’re _married_ and settled. And if she never had feelings for you, she’s probably either questioning that now, or just really angry that you’ve gone and screwed things up.

                No matter what, you’ve been an absolute arse in some capacity.

                You should have lied. Or told her that you didn’t feel comfortable saying. Really, you don’t understand why you said it in the first place. It seemed like a good idea at the time, opening up to the woman you’ve come to the conclusion you love. Perhaps you simply figured that when you love someone, they should know that you love them.

                Clearly, this was not your best theory of all time, because it’s been a month now since you’ve heard from her in any capacity. When you’re used to speaking with her every day, that feels like a very long time.

                 Long enough for you to be certain that you love her and can’t live without her.

                Though it appears that you might have to.

***

**To: David**

                _I’ve been thinking about contacting you for maybe a week now. I was going to call you, but I haven’t known if you’d be around Georgia and I didn’t want to put you into an uncomfortable situation. And even though I’d like to be brave and have a legitimate conversation, I can’t help liking the idea that I can think about this for hours before sending it off to you._

_You said that what you told me was inappropriate. And that is true._

_But you also asked me a few things. You asked me if I’ve ever wondered about us, and you asked me what if._

_David, I spent so much time imagining what a life with you would be like. During_ Doctor Who _when I was still with Twig, I wondered. During_ Much Ado _, when you were engaged, I wondered. I was like a schoolgirl, convincing myself that you held gazes for too long or touched my arm for unnecessary reasons._

_Regardless of when, I think if you had ever approached me and tried anything, I would have said yes without even thinking about it, with little to no thought of consequences._

_When I got that email from you, and you told me that it was_ me _you were talking about… I’ve been avoiding you since then because frankly I think I would still say yes to you with no thought of the consequences._

_It scares me that anyone can have such an effect. But you can._

_But David?_

_You don’t love me. There is absolutely no way that you love me. Even if you feel something along the lines of love, it’s not_ me _, is it? You love the me that your subconscious has created. You love an idea._

_I don’t want your feelings for an idea of me to have an impact on our relationship. Because you are one of the best friends I’ve ever had. And even though it was inappropriate, your honesty with me was astounding and incredibly brave, and I can appreciate the fact that you did it with all good intentions._

_And that’s why I’m saying this—with all good intentions. That’s why I’m being so honest with you._

_If I thought that there was any chance you actually loved me, I’d say so. But I just… don’t._

_With almost absolute certainty, I can say that if you asked, I would say yes. Regardless of the circumstances, regardless of consequences. Because I’m weak._

_But if you have any sense, David, you will recognize that this is something that just happens in your dreams._

***

                Was it worth it?

                You ask yourself that regularly. Was it worth it to tell her? Because now, she doesn’t look at you in quite the same way. She’s more reserved when you talk.

                At night, you still dream of Catherine. You dream of closing night of _Much Ado_ , and the two of you say goodbye. You dream of hundreds of letters left on your doorstep. You dream that you met years ago, when you were young, of a break-up and reunion.

                You dream that you’ve left Georgia. And you wake Catherine up in the middle of the night, simply because you can’t wait until the morning to tell her, “I love you.”

                Regardless of what Catherine said, you know that you’re in love with her.

                If you had approached it differently, would she have reconsidered? If you’d realized sooner, would it be Catherine sharing your bed?

                You believe wholeheartedly that you will never again be content outside of your dreams.


End file.
